Cloud and the Chocoballs Factory
by Carbuncle
Summary: Cloud opens a packet of Chocoballs containing the yellow Chocoball and wins a tour of the Chocoballs Factory (a la "Willy Wonka") to see how the world's most deliciously addictive chocolate is made.


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Cloud and the Chocoballs Factory  
  
(Open to 7th Heaven, the basement. Cloud and Barrett are watching TV)  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. "Natural Causes", a soap oprah, is on. Two men and a woman are on the beach. One of the men is lying on the sand, while the other is giving him mouth to mouth. Eventually, the man on the ground coughs and opens his eyes)  
Gerimo: Pablo! You're alive!  
Pablo: (sits up) Ugh...  
Wendy: You saved his life, Gerimo! (kisses Gerimo lighty on the cheek) You're my hero!  
Gerimo: It was my pleasure.  
Pablo: ...was it... was it really necessary for you to stick your tongue down my throat though?  
  
(Cut back to Cloud and Barrett on the couch)  
Barrett: I know Gerimo said he was givin' Pablo the kiss of life, but I still say he's gay.  
TV: "Natural Causes" will be right back after these messages!  
  
(Cut to the TV screen. A commercial for Chocoballs flashes onscreen)  
  
(Cut back to Cloud on the couch)  
Cloud: Mm... Chocoballs! (Carbuncle: There's a subtle Homer Simpson reference.)  
  
(Cut to the TV screen)  
Announcer: Would you like to visit the world's famous Chocoballs Factory?  
  
(Cut back to Cloud on the couch)  
Cloud: Would I ever?!  
  
(Cut to the TV screen)  
Announcer: Then all you have to do is find the special yellow Chocoball inside specially selected packets of Chocoballs. No purchase necessary... (sniggers) ...yeah, right.  
  
(Cut back to Cloud and Barrett on the couch)  
Cloud: (gets up) Well, I'm off to the candy store.  
Barrett: You don't honestly think you've got a chance in winnin', do ya?  
Cloud: Sure I do. I've got as good a chance as anyone else. If not better.  
Barrett: The odds of winnin' are, like, a million to one.  
Cloud: Hm... y'know, I like those odds!  
  
(Cut to the bar. Cloud is sitting at the table with a pile of Chocoballs packets. He opens a bag, tips out all the Chocoballs and searches through them. Tifa is behind the bar, in the background)  
Cloud: Dammit! (opens another packet, tips out its contents and searches through) Dammit! (opens another packet, tips out its contents and searches through) Dammit!  
Tifa: You don't honestly think you've got a chance in winning, do you?  
Cloud: If you'd had asked me that question half hour ago, I might've said yes, but now... I'm not so sure.  
Marlene: (walks in) Doo dee doo, dee doo! Aunt Tifa, may I have some candy please?  
Tifa: Awww, I'm afraid I don't have any candy, Marlene. But if you ask Uncle Cloud nicely, I'm sure he'd let you have some of his.  
Cloud: (quickly) No, I wouldn't. (opens another packet, tips out its contents and searches through) Dammit!  
Tifa: Oh, come on, Cloud! Don't be such a meanie! Give her some candy!  
Cloud: But Tifa, you don't understand! Any one of these packets could contain that golden Chocoball. I can't risk giving the winning packet away and losing my one and only chance to see the Chocoballs Factory.  
Tifa: Cloud, the likelihood of winning that golden Chocoball is a million to one. Just give her a packet, for goodness sake.  
Cloud: Oh, all right! (gives an unopened packet to Marlene) You win this round! (Marlene pokes out her tongue and takes the bag)  
Tifa: There. Now didn't that make you feel better?  
Cloud: (opens another packet, tips out its contents and searches through) Oh my God! (finds the golden Chocoball) Woo hoo! Woo hoo! I won!  
Tifa: Phew... I didn't see that one. And neither did you, huh?  
Marlene: ...no.  
  
(Cut to the Sector 3 Slums, the Chocoballs Factory. Cloud, Barrett, Tifa, Aeris, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Cid and Vincent arrive at the front gates)  
Cid: Wow. This place got more crack than a slum drunk.  
Cloud: (to the guard) Hi. Uh, we're here for the tour.  
Guard: ...  
Tifa: (aside to Cloud) Show him the yellow Chocoball.  
Cloud: Oh, yeah. (pulls the yellow Chocoball out of his pocket and hands it to the guard)  
Guard: ...one moment. (whips out his cell phone)  
Cloud: This is gonna be great. I've wanted to visit the Chocoballs Factory ever since I was fifteen.  
Aeris: I wonder why they kept it closed to the public for so many years.  
Cid: Eh, they've probably had some health and safety issues to iron out. (the front gates open, and a red carpet is rolled out in front of the party; a snappy dressed, yellow haired man rolls out with it)  
Party: Wow!  
Yellow Haired Man: Welcome to the Chocoballs Factory! I'm Billy Bonka, your wackyrific guide to the Chocoballs Factory!  
Cid: Did you just say "Willy Wonka"?  
Bonka: No!  
Cloud: Can we get some free Chocoballs now?  
Bonka: Settle down, spikey! You'll have all the free Chocoballs you want after the tour!  
Cloud: Excellent!  
Bonka: If you'd all like to follow me...  
  
(Cut to the Chocoballs Factory, the elevator. Bonka and the party are on their way to the factory floor)  
  
(Cut to the factory floor. Bonka and the party emerge from the elevator. The factory floor is a lush forest of foliage and brightly coloured flowers, with a river of chocolate running down the center)  
Party: Ooh! Aah!  
Yuffie: Ho, this is awesome!  
Bonka: It should be. It cost a fortune to plant all that foliage. You know, the grass even tastes like sweet, sweet candy.  
Red XIII: Really?? (eats some of the grass) Mm... minty! (Carbuncle: Here's your second Homer J. Simpson reference.)  
Cid: Yo, Bonka! That water doesn't look very clean. I'd consult some kinda plumber, if I were you. You might have a bit of feces stuck down there.  
Bonka: No, no. You don't understand, sir. That river's no ordinary river. It's a chocolate river; it's totally edible.  
Tifa: Wow. A chocolate river. Now I've seen everything.  
Bonka: This is the factory floor, which, until now, has never been seen by the public ever before.  
Cloud: Whoa. I feel so honoured, Mr. Bonka.  
Bonka: So you should be. And don't call me "Mr. Bonka". That doesn't sound right.  
Cloud: Okay, Bonka.  
Bonka: Don't call me that, either. Call me Billy. Or Bill. Or William. Or Will. But not Bonka. Or Mr. Bonka.  
Cloud: Whatever you say, Mr., uh, Wanker. (a race of short, ugly, orange men are working hard on the other end of the river)  
Barrett: What the hell are those things?  
Bonka: Those are the Rumpa Pumpas. They work here at the factory.  
Barrett: Tell them I hate them!  
Bonka: Well, come along, everyone. We have much to see. (the party follow Billy Bonka onto a steamboat docked by the river, which then sails off down the stream) Now, if you'll look to your left you'll see the Rumpa Pumpas hard at work, mixing up the milk chocolate that is used to make each and every individual Chocoball. This chocolate is quite possibly the best chocolate in the entire world, since it's the only chocolate ever to include the secret ingredient that make Chocoballs so deliciously delicious.  
Cloud: What's the secret ingredient?  
Bonka: If I told you, it wouldn't be a secret now, would it?  
Cloud: Technically, no.  
Aeris: Hey, look! Those disgustingly cute, orange men are starting to sing! (the Rumpa Pumpas start to sing and dance)  
Rumpa Pumpas: #Rumpa Pumpa Bumpity Boo/ We've got a disturbing message for you/ Rumpa Pumpa Bumpity Basis/ The secret of Chocoballs must not leave these places/ Eating chocolate at home is a nice thing to do/ If you don't want to get killed you'll keep this to you/ One time we jacked off in a hot tub of cocoa/ So make sure you only buy Chocoballs with the official Chocoball logo/ Don't buy cheap rip-offs or we'll knock your block off/ Rumpa Pumpa Pumpa Bumpity Bee!#  
Bonka: Hey! I don't pay you to sing!  
Rumpa Pumpa: (quietly) Jackass!  
Bonka: I heard that! (the steamboat passes a bearded man, eating Chocoballs) Here we see the Chocoballs Taster, checking the Chocoballs. He tastes them, and tastes them, and tastes them some more. He tastes, and he tastes, and he tastes to make sure they're fit for the public.  
Cloud: Could we have some Chocoballs, please?  
Bonka: No food or drink on the tour. Sorry, but I didn't make the rules.  
Cloud: Then who did?  
Bonka: That's none of your business.  
Cloud: (sulks) This tour bites!  
Bonka: What was that, sir?  
Cloud: Nothing.  
Rumpa Pumpas: #Rumpa Pumpa Bumpity Butts/ Stop your pouting, you stupid, dumb clutz!#  
Cloud: Shut the hell up! (the steamboat docks in and the party get off; a metal door labelled "EXIT" is before them)  
Bonka: Well, that concludes the tour. If you'd like to learn more about our illustrious factory, then feel free to pick up an information pack at the gift store, for a very reasonable price of 900 gil.  
Cloud: What? That's it??  
Bonka: Yes, now if you'll excuse me, I have an appointment with my hairdresser. (presses a button, which opens the "EXIT" door, and leaves)  
Cloud: Jeez! What a rip-off!  
Aeris: We didn't even discover the secret ingredient of Chocoballs.  
Bonka: Oh, for the love of--there is no secret ingredient, lady! We just said there was so people would have something to think about while they went around on the tour! It usually keeps 'em from talking and interrupting me during my lengthy explanations about the factory, but you guys just had to keep going on and on!  
Yuffie: ...this blows!  
  
(Cut to the elevator. Billy Bonka is waiting inside, smoking a cigarette. The party walk in to join him)  
Cloud: Mr. Bonka, my friends and I are a little disappointed with the tour, to say the least. I mean, it only lasted half an hour, and I think those edible candy plants gave Vincent diarrhoea.  
Vincent: (holding his butt and crossing his legs) Oh, which way to the bathroom?  
Bonka: Well, I'm sorry you didn't enjoy the tour, kid, but, uh... (takes a puff on his cigarette) ...if you have any complaints, then you'll have to address them to the manager.  
Cloud: Aren't you the manager?  
Bonka: No, I just work here. (takes another puff on his cigarette)  
Cid: (tries to light one of his own cigarettes) Dang!  
Bonka: Oh, allow me! (lights Cid's cigarette)  
Cid: Thanks!  
Cloud: But Mr. Bonka, I- (the elevator stops and a bell rings)  
  
(Cut to the reception area. Billy Bonka and the party emerge from the elevator)  
Bonka: Well, this is where I love ya and leave ya, folks. Gift shop's to your right, exit's to your left. Please wipe your feet before you leave.  
Cloud: What?! What about our free chocolate??  
Bonka: Free chocolate?  
Cloud: You said at the beginning of the tour that once it was over, we'd get all the free Chocoballs we could eat.  
Bonka: I said that...? Hmph... doesn't sound like the sort of thing I'd say...  
Cloud: Listen, Bonka! I'm sure you're a very nice man, but I don't like your attitude! Give us some free Chocoballs... NOW!!  
Bonka: Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. Your outlandish behaviour has no place here.  
Cloud: Outlandish behaviour?! Why, I've got a good mind to-  
Bonka: (sighs) Fine! Here! (empties his pockets and pulls out some packets of Chocoballs, which he gives to Cloud)  
Cloud: Wha?! Is this it?! The castoffs from your pocket??  
Bonka: Well I haven't opened them, if that's what you mean. And they haven't been in there long. I'm sure they haven't melted that much, either.  
Cloud: What about the rest of my friends? Don't they get any?  
Bonka: They can share yours.  
Cloud: No way!  
Bonka: Like I said before, sir, I'm a busy man. Please excuse me. (leaves)  
Cloud: (hysterically) Excuse you? Excuse you?! I've half a mind to report you to the police, you cheap bastard!  
Aeris: Now what're we going to do?  
Cloud: I'll tell you what we're going to do, Aeris! We're going to do what any normal Midgarian would do - complain to the managment!  
  
(Cut to the elevator. The party are inside)  
Cloud: 'Kay, now Billy Bonka said that the manager's office was on the top floor, right?  
Tifa: No. He didn't mention where the manager's office was.  
Cloud: ...okay. Well, what the heck. (presses a button on the elevator, which then begins to move up)  
Barrett: (the elevator begins to speed up) Uh... should this thin' really be goin' this fast?  
Cloud: Probably. (the elevator speeds up even faster)  
Party: Whoa!!  
Tifa: Oh, my lord! This isn't good! Hold on to something!  
Cloud: Hold on to something! (everyone moves to the corners of the elevator and grabs onto the rail; Aeris looks around, but there's no space left for her)  
Aeris: Oh, fu- (the elevator comes to a sharp stop; she is catapulted up through the glass roof) -aaagh!  
Cloud: All right everybody, I think it's okay to let go of the rail now.  
  
(Cut to the manager's office. Billy Bonka is there with the manager of the Chocoballs Factory. The party walk in)  
Cloud: Mr. Manager, I presume?  
Manager: I'm the manager. Who the devil are you?  
Cloud: My name's Cloud Strife, and these are my friends Tifa, Barrett, Red XIII, Yuffie, Cait Sith, Cid, Vincent and Aeri--oh yeah... Anyway, we've come to complain about the way you treat visitors to your factory!  
Manager: What are you talking about, sir?  
Cloud: Mr. Bonka here was not only very rude to us, but he also sexually molested Red XIII while the Rumpa Pumpas were singing that awful melody.  
Red XIII: No, he didn't.  
Cloud: Oh. Well, I may have got that wrong, but he was definitely rude to us after the tour. He refused to give us any Chocoballs, and if it wasn't for him, our friend Aeris would probably still be alive.  
Cid: (quietly) Not bloody likely...  
Manager: Is this true, Bonka?  
Bonka: Uh... maybe.  
Manager: Bonka!  
Bonka: Okay, okay! So it's true!  
Manager: That does it! This is the third time someone's logged a complaint against you! You're fired!  
Bonka: But-  
Manager: No buts! You're lucky you're my son, too! Or I'd kill you! (Billy Bonka hangs his head low and leaves the room) Please except my most humble apologies on behalf of my idiot of a son. Oh, and this lifetime supply of Chocoballs, too. (pulls up a large box of Chocoballs onto his desk)  
Cloud: All right! Apology accepted! (picks up the large box of Chocoballs) Woo hoo! We hit the jackpot, guys! This is the best compensation we could've had!  
Barrett: Yeah. We did awright. (sniffs) Hey, what's that smell...? (the party look around; Vincent is cowering in the corner of the room, over what can only be described as a runny pile of feces)  
Party: Ewww! Vincent! (Vincent laughs nervously)  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
